Day 136 : Lincoln, MT

Miles Hiked: 0

Total Milage: 2336.2

Today I woke up at 6am. Last night I was pretty cold. I’m so glad I have such a good sleeping bag. I easily get very cold and last night my sleeping bag completely frosted over. I think I might have had to get up and start hiking if my bag wasn’t so fluffy. I went to the ʕ·ᴥ·ʔ box to get my food bag and backpack so I could make hot chocolate. As I packed up my things, my hands became numb. I was glad to have a hot pot to hold onto and warm my hands back up so I could feel them.

Melon went to the bathroom and 12 pack asked me if I had reserved a room for us in town Tonight or anything. I hadn’t made plans for town. He said that he didn’t know we were leaving town tonight. I just said “I’m not sure what I’m doing but you should do what you want to do. Get a room if you want to stay and hike out if you don’t.” I was suggesting that I am not concerned if we do things together. I am happy to do something different. He got upset by my suggestion (as he always does) and said “ I’m not going to leave a group 300 miles from the end of the trail”. The group would be me, and I don’t care if we separate at all. There are no rules to thru hiking besides being nice, respecting nature, and hiking your own hike. If I want to split up with someone 300 miles from the end, I can. It’s my choice. It’s not mean. It’s simply me hiking my own hike because I am free to do that. For me, one of the best parts of thru hiking is having freedom to make my own plans and do as I please. I have not felt free for the last month. I have felt a little trapped. Anytime I suggest or explicitly ask to do my own thing and split up, I am only met with very negative feedback and not respect for my wishes. It’s been wearing on me so much the past two weeks. 12 pack and I have been butting heads lately and I think it’s because I stopped having fun.

I’ve been stressed out all summer because I have gotten the vibe that 12 pack is very jealous of Luke (my boyfriend) and I. Anytime I talk about Luke, or talk to Luke on the phone he is clearly pissed off. He almost exclusively says negative things about him. It makes me feel so uncomfortable. Becoming closer to Luke and missing him has been a big part of my summer. It sucks that the person I’ve been spending everyday with makes me uncomfortable to even bring up his name. The other day a friend I called asked me how Luke was doing. It felt so freaking nice that someone actually cared. Spending so much time with someone who is jealous of my relationship is so hard. I haven’t suggested at all that I am interested in anyone else besides Luke. I am dating someone. I am not available. End of story. Jealousy on that level is the #1 turn off for me. The second a male friend suggests jealousy, I not longer feel comfortable progressing the friendship to become an intimate one. That friendship will always be surface level. I can’t trust them fully. I don’t really want to spend an excessive amount of time with someone I feel like I’ll never be close to and makes me feel uncomfortable to talk about the most important person in my life. That is why I am indifferent to hiking with this particular person. I have been the whole time, but I still thought there was a chance I could just be crazy. I wouldn’t know that 12 pack was jealous unless I asked which would sound extremely rude and presumptuous if I was wrong. Well today, I found out I wasn’t wrong.

12 pack and I continued the conversation. I won’t go into all the details but I’ll explain what I learned.

1. 12 Pack doesn’t like my boyfriend.

2. 12 Pack is jealous and thought he still had a shot.

3. 12 Pack is Interested in me and is upset that I don’t feel the same way.

I feel like I just reached the end of my rope. I’m done feeling trapped. I just can’t handle this anymore.

Melon came back and we stopped talking. Golden got out of his van and invited us all inside. We put our packs in the back, warmed the car up, and Golden drove us to town. 12 pack was extremely upset The Whole way. In town, the four of us all got breakfast at Lambkins. I had the best breakfast of my life, cinnamon roll French toast. At breakfast we all talked and 12 pack and I acted like everything is fine. I wasn’t going to bring anyone else into our little tiff this morning. I also didn’t feel like going out of my way to conclude the conversation either because I just feel so over it. I am just ready to do whatever it takes to hike my own hike. I just can’t figure out how.

Melon 12 Pack and I all hung out in town doing errands. I was writing my blog And drying out my things behind Lambkins in a Pavilion. We got a package at the post office with 12 Pack, ate pizza at the Pit Stop, and then hung out at the park across the street. I called my mom and a friend for advice. I had some very long conversations about what was going on and what I should do. I have kept my mom and boyfriend in the loop about what was happening all summer.

Eventually it was time to get back to the trail if we were going to camp at a yurt three miles from the road. I did not want to camp with 12 pack alone or split a room tonight. I needed to be on my own. Golden drove by and offered to take us back up to the trail. I was thrilled to find out other hikers were going to be at the yurt. I wasn’t happy about still being with 12 pack but at least there would be other people. I didn’t think past tonight. Although I knew there were people at the yurt, I was still going back and forth on whether or not I should hike out. I still needed to get some space for now. Even if it was only one night. I was verbal about my indecision and 12 pack didn’t get the hint that I wanted to do the opposite of whatever he was doing. If he stayed in town I wanted to hike out. If he went to the yurt, I was staying in town. I sort of gave up when I realized that 12 pack was just going to change his mind based on me every time. I felt trapped.

Golden drove us back to the trail with another hiker, Machine. When we got there we chatted at the trailhead for a moment. Metric ton was also passing thru so we got to say hi to him. Once we started hiking I fell behind 12 pack. All of a sudden something hit me. I can just turn around and go back to town now. I can take control of this situation. I can hike my own hike. My heart was racing. I felt bad just leaving someone but I need to take care of myself and this is how I had to do it. I called my friend who I think would give awesome advice in this situation. He is the epitome of “hike your own hike, being nice to people, and respecting nature”. He told me what I needed to hear. “ Hell!! I’d turn around!” So I DID.

I called my mom while I hitched for 15 minutes. She helped calm me down. Two very nice ladies picked me up and drove me into Lincoln. Once I got into Lincoln, I walked down the Main Street looking for a hotel to check in to. I ran into a group of hikers who let me know that Ozark was looking for a third person to split a room and that there were three beds. Perfect. I knocked on room 11 and got a bed for the night. I split with Peach Fuzz and Ozark. I hung out with them for the rest of the night. I got to call Luke for a while and let him know what was going on. He has been incredibly supportive of me all summer long. Despite the long distance, we have become a lot closer this summer. I am so so excited to go home to him when I finish the trail. I ran to the store for some Oreos and milk to snack on before bed. I didn’t end up sleeping at all tonight.

Happy Trails!

-Early Bird

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